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Overheard: December

Overheard: December

Number 3 bus, EDINBURGH.
A group of high school lads bantering about one of them having an attractive mum:

GUY:  All I’m saying is, if your maw was on Tinder, and Tinder was a Panini sticker album, she’d be a shiny.


Outside OMNi Centre, EDINBURGH.
A ned woman is arguing with her ned boyfriend saying that she’s having a Hypo (an attack of low blood sugar – she’s diabetic) and needs to eat something sweet ASAP. The guy keeps hassling her to hurry up as they will miss the bus.  Eventually, pulling out a chocolate bar, she snaps at him:

WOMAN
:  Will you just shut the f**k up so I can get a Toblerone inside me before I die?!


Golden Cross Cafe, OXFORD.
Two middle age women having a coffee:

WOMAN
:  I wanted to know what all the fuss was about, because it doesn’t sound like trouble.  ‘Britain First’ sounds polite.  It sounds like ‘ladies first’.  But then I had a look at them on Facebook.  Well!  I didn’t think their words and imagery were going to be so… tart.


Dobbies Garden Centre, EDINBURGH.
A middle-aged man is looking at bird tables. His wife approaches.

WOMAN
: (Handing him a flier) Here’s a flier for a pest control man. Call him and we can get rid of that bloody mole.
MAN:  I’ve told you, we’re not killing the mole. We live in our house, and the mole’s house is the garden.  That’s it.  I mean, how would you like it if the mole tried to get in and kill us?
WOMAN:  Oh, don’t be silly! (Pause) It couldn’t, could it….?


The Antiquary Bar, EDINBURGH.
A group of twenty-somethings chatting. One of the guys sneaks an admiring look at himself in a nearby mirror, and is caught by one of his friends.

GIRL
:
 Bloody caught you!  You are so narcoleptic!
GUY:  What?
GIRL:  You’re always checking yourself out!  I just saw you.
GUY #2:  You mean ‘narcissistic’.
GUY:  Narcoleptic is where you keep suddenly falling asleep.
GUY #2:  The Narcissus story would have been very different.
GUY:  He’d probably have drowned.


Victoria Station, LONDON.
Two young guys are talking about their Christmases.

GUY #1
:  It was the Big One on Boxing Day.  I told my nan I was gay.
GUY #2:  How’d it go?
GUY #1:  Alright, actually.  She doesn’t really understand.  She wanted to be supportive and she gave me a hug, then told me that, bless her, the girl at number 51 was a lesbian and did I want her to set us up.

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